No Lions in the Overhead Compartment

I'm sorry sir, that dead giraffe is going to have to fit under the seat in front of you.....

I knew that I wanted to write about something again, but couldn't think of what to write.  I asked the facebook peanut gallery for topics, but got a cool goose egg.  I needed to get something up here, though, because I would feel lazy if I didn't.  

So what would I pick? 

Does the world's internet tubes need another HOT TAKE about Donald Trump?  What about how cunty the American public has become?  Do I really need to talk to you about that?  Or man, maybe you haven't heard about that guy who shot a lion?  l can't be the millionth person to talk about that.  I will need some new story to come out before I waste time talking about that.

Oh, what?  There is a new story?

According to NBC News, a few of our beloved airplane operators have banned the shipment of the dead animals that have been shot by people such as the American dentist.  This is something that they said they were cool with fairly recently.

How does anyone not see right through this, though?  Are we to believe that the executive boards of these companies suddenly became animal rights activists overnight?  Or is this a cheap attempt at good publicity and an opportunity to get the internet activist brigade off their backs?

You probably don't need me to tell you that hunting is a shitty hobby and flying 39843908 miles away just to kill an animal makes you a certified lunatic.  My job here is not to stick up for these people.  

I am putting those feelings aside and grabbing a handful of my patented scorn (available by the pound holiday season 2016) and tossing it American Airlines way.  You might think you got one over on Tony P, but NOPE.  How about y'all just pipe down and fly the planes and don't worry about what the passengers bring back as souvenirs.  

That reminds me, would the first lion carcass be free?  What about for valued platinum, gold and diamond business medallion cardholder members?  

What makes me laugh is that the TSA failed to catch guns something like 95% of the time in a recent test administered by themselves.  Great, now they get to look out for the late Simba too.  

I would rather the airlines focus on bringing their product up to the standard of their foreign com padres, and all of us to hold them to it instead of falling for meaningless gestures such as this one.  If Delta won't do it, someone else will.  It isn't illegal (yet), so back off.  Stay in your lane, bruh.

Besides, a dead animal might smell better than someone the living ones in economy class.

Take A Seat, Tom

It’s over.  

We are beaten men.  

We fought and argued for roughly seven whopping months about a negligible amount of psi missing from a football.  That’s seven months that, thankfully, can be put behind us.  Whether we like it or not, it’s over.  The best quarterback currently playing in the NFL is a dirty, lying cheater. It’s time to own up to it.

And it’s time to have some fun with it.  

Oh yeah, that we I was talking about?  I am obviously talking about both Tom Brady and people like me, his supporters.  I admit it, I am a homer, even though I hate that term.  I am not a Simpsons character, although that Homer has a better body that I truly envy.  I also envy the body of Tom Brady, and I think its time to drop the appeal and let that body rest for 4 weeks.

It’s a battle he already lost and can’t come back to win.  The challenge flag was thrown, truck advertisements were shown, the call was upheld, and the NFL moved on to the next play.  They never revisit, even when they blow it.  This time was no exception.

Who cares that evidence is seemingly on his side?  Who cares that, according to NBC, he apparently offered to find the text messages from the supposedly destroyed phone and show them and the NFL refused? The NFL along with the judges and juries of the American public, which include people who cannot read or write as well as fans of the other 31 teams that he has been beating for over a decade, have already found him guilty.  

Lawyers cost money, Tom.  Go on vacation.

In fact, take 4 of em.  Those 4 games in which he is suspended just so happen to correspond with the number of rings that he has.  Rings that can’t be taken away.  He won his first in New Orleans, which I hear is beautiful in early September.  Why not pay a visit?  It’s been awhile since they have seen a champion.  Besides they are too busy setting bounties and doing molly.  He won other rings in Houston and Jacksonville, cities that won’t see a Lombardi trophy for roughly 489 years.  Why not take that gorgeous wife of yours and go show these poor bastards what a real champion looks like?

Just remember, we are not arguing whether or not the air level in the ball truly matters anymore.  If leading the biggest 4th quarter comeback in Super Bowl history AFTER being accused of this “cheating” (do you really think that ball was altered?  do you?), doesn’t win people to your side, nothing ever will.  

So go on, take a 5 week vacation that does nothing but help your body and your team.  You earned it.  And hey, take some pictures, too.

Preferably holding some trophies high and middle fingers up.