No Lions in the Overhead Compartment

I'm sorry sir, that dead giraffe is going to have to fit under the seat in front of you.....

I knew that I wanted to write about something again, but couldn't think of what to write.  I asked the facebook peanut gallery for topics, but got a cool goose egg.  I needed to get something up here, though, because I would feel lazy if I didn't.  

So what would I pick? 

Does the world's internet tubes need another HOT TAKE about Donald Trump?  What about how cunty the American public has become?  Do I really need to talk to you about that?  Or man, maybe you haven't heard about that guy who shot a lion?  l can't be the millionth person to talk about that.  I will need some new story to come out before I waste time talking about that.

Oh, what?  There is a new story?

According to NBC News, a few of our beloved airplane operators have banned the shipment of the dead animals that have been shot by people such as the American dentist.  This is something that they said they were cool with fairly recently.

How does anyone not see right through this, though?  Are we to believe that the executive boards of these companies suddenly became animal rights activists overnight?  Or is this a cheap attempt at good publicity and an opportunity to get the internet activist brigade off their backs?

You probably don't need me to tell you that hunting is a shitty hobby and flying 39843908 miles away just to kill an animal makes you a certified lunatic.  My job here is not to stick up for these people.  

I am putting those feelings aside and grabbing a handful of my patented scorn (available by the pound holiday season 2016) and tossing it American Airlines way.  You might think you got one over on Tony P, but NOPE.  How about y'all just pipe down and fly the planes and don't worry about what the passengers bring back as souvenirs.  

That reminds me, would the first lion carcass be free?  What about for valued platinum, gold and diamond business medallion cardholder members?  

What makes me laugh is that the TSA failed to catch guns something like 95% of the time in a recent test administered by themselves.  Great, now they get to look out for the late Simba too.  

I would rather the airlines focus on bringing their product up to the standard of their foreign com padres, and all of us to hold them to it instead of falling for meaningless gestures such as this one.  If Delta won't do it, someone else will.  It isn't illegal (yet), so back off.  Stay in your lane, bruh.

Besides, a dead animal might smell better than someone the living ones in economy class.

Take A Seat, Tom

It’s over.  

We are beaten men.  

We fought and argued for roughly seven whopping months about a negligible amount of psi missing from a football.  That’s seven months that, thankfully, can be put behind us.  Whether we like it or not, it’s over.  The best quarterback currently playing in the NFL is a dirty, lying cheater. It’s time to own up to it.

And it’s time to have some fun with it.  

Oh yeah, that we I was talking about?  I am obviously talking about both Tom Brady and people like me, his supporters.  I admit it, I am a homer, even though I hate that term.  I am not a Simpsons character, although that Homer has a better body that I truly envy.  I also envy the body of Tom Brady, and I think its time to drop the appeal and let that body rest for 4 weeks.

It’s a battle he already lost and can’t come back to win.  The challenge flag was thrown, truck advertisements were shown, the call was upheld, and the NFL moved on to the next play.  They never revisit, even when they blow it.  This time was no exception.

Who cares that evidence is seemingly on his side?  Who cares that, according to NBC, he apparently offered to find the text messages from the supposedly destroyed phone and show them and the NFL refused? The NFL along with the judges and juries of the American public, which include people who cannot read or write as well as fans of the other 31 teams that he has been beating for over a decade, have already found him guilty.  

Lawyers cost money, Tom.  Go on vacation.

In fact, take 4 of em.  Those 4 games in which he is suspended just so happen to correspond with the number of rings that he has.  Rings that can’t be taken away.  He won his first in New Orleans, which I hear is beautiful in early September.  Why not pay a visit?  It’s been awhile since they have seen a champion.  Besides they are too busy setting bounties and doing molly.  He won other rings in Houston and Jacksonville, cities that won’t see a Lombardi trophy for roughly 489 years.  Why not take that gorgeous wife of yours and go show these poor bastards what a real champion looks like?

Just remember, we are not arguing whether or not the air level in the ball truly matters anymore.  If leading the biggest 4th quarter comeback in Super Bowl history AFTER being accused of this “cheating” (do you really think that ball was altered?  do you?), doesn’t win people to your side, nothing ever will.  

So go on, take a 5 week vacation that does nothing but help your body and your team.  You earned it.  And hey, take some pictures, too.

Preferably holding some trophies high and middle fingers up.

Time for change

I'm back. Welcome me back.

I was thinking recently about why I don't write more. I enjoy it. I think I am decent at it. Why don't I do it more?

I came down to 2 reasons. Laziness, and a perceived lack of readership. If I knew people read this, I think I would write more. Better yet, if you are a female, and you find this stuff funny and then offer me various things of yours, I would write 39 blogs a day.

Alas, that isn't happening yet. I am just another blog in the sea of blogs. Time for that to change.

It's time for a makeover.

Everything you saw here was just a placeholder until I found something better, so first things first. A new title. Tony has a blog never worked. I didn't even come up with it. I saw it on other blogs. Besides, of course I have a blog. No shit. I need something that people will easily find when searching for things.

Therefore, I am pretty sure the new name will be "sex porn Britney Spears Obama"

That is all people search for on Google, and then they will find me. Problem solved. I can even change the title as times change. I am brilliant.

I will sit on this and get back to you.

goals - part 1

Okay so when I made this blog, I said I would promptly forget about it. This I did. I am a man of my word.

I know this is not a good thing, so here I am again. So I figured I would rejoin the bloggy world by telling everyone some of the goals I set myself in life. I will do one at a time. I don't usually tell these things, but now is a special occasion, so here goes goal #1.....


.....and it is.....


.....wait for it.....


.....I want to give somebody the People's Elbow.



Yep. I do. In public, too.



While I am sure you agree that this is a noble goal for a young man to set for himself, it unfortunately is rather difficult. There are a few obstacles I must deal with, such as.....

1) I would need some sort of pad on my elbow that I can easily remove and throw at someone without thinking about it. I must also not care that said pad is gone, therefore it should not be expensive. Also, I do not need an elbow pad for, well, anything right now, so it cannot be one of those big fat Barry Bonds elbow pads. Perhaps a trip to Dick's is in the cards. Hopefully they have a People's Elbow section in there.

2) This would obviously have to be impromptu, as I am not a douchebag. It cannot be staged. However, it might be rather tough to find someone that has been laying on the ground for a minute and isn't going anywhere. If they see that a People's Elbow is on the way, they might, you know, get up. We can't have that. So hopefully I will run into a stroke victim or something or maybe witness a car accident of some sort. Neither of those are ideal (obviously) but hey, goals are goals. Best case scenario, one of my buddies passes out from drinking too much. Which leads us to number 3.....

3) Seeing as though most places I go to do not have ropes like a wrestling ring does, I would need something to bounce off of. Friends will do, but they might not always be available, as they might be getting a beer or taking a piss or something. I have yet to come up with any sort of solution to this one.

So as you can see, the Elbow gods would have to help me out a little here. I would need a whole hell of a lot of luck to pull this one off. But don't you worry my friends (all 2 of you that will read this), I am determined. I will not let you down.

If you smell what I'm cookin.

night from hell

OK so I just got home (4:20 am) from work. I got out at 12:40. At around 1:10, I was just merging onto I-15 when I thought "I can't wait to get home.....I'm starving!"

Then it got really frustrating, and probably expensive.

About a minute later, I am wondering "wait, why is my car vibrating?" Somewhere in between getting on the interstate and thinking of dinner, I blew my tire. Lovely! Now I am stuck in the breakdown lane of the busiest section of the busiest highway in Nevada. No prob, I will just call Allstate.....that's what I have roadside assistance for!

45 min wait. Fuck.

About an hour later, I get a call from the guy coming asking where on the highway I was, and if it is safe to change a tire there. Of course, I have no idea. It's as safe as its gonna be, I guess. It's about as safe as it sounds......changing a tire on the interstate. After telling him that I was in the safest possible place, I realized I wasn't telling this guy what he wanted to hear. Which is perfectly understandable, I guess. I just called him for assistance.....I'm not about to call him a pussy. So he says he will call a tow truck to bring me to a safer place where he "will take care of the rest". OK!

30 min later, I am still waiting, and now freezing. Let me put the heat on.

Car won't start. 90 minutes of having my hazard lights on KILLED MY MOTHERFUCKING BATTERY.

Now I call again (I was putting it off so as not to be impatient.....again I called THEM for assistance doing something any man should know how to do) to see whats taking so long and to say now I need a jump.

My earlier service call was somehow CANCELED. Presumably by the guy that called me. So another 10 min on the phone (with this dispatcher saying she has to find different service, which makes me think the first guy wanted NOTHING to do with me, and apparently that company wouldn't come out) and finally someone will be coming.....

Within 30-40 min.

Remember when I said I was really hungry earlier? I wasn't anymore. My body basically fed off itself.

Finally the world's greatest man came to help me and I am on my way.

But wait, this time with the "service engine soon" light on. Which wasn't there before. And my car was literally shaking on the way home, to the point where I was literally holding the dashboard to mute the sound. $14000 after buying it, I am holding it in one piece while driving it. Great. This on top of the $250 fine I got in the mail today because of my insurance.

Needless to say, I finally ended up home safe. Presumably much broker, but safe. And I now have to cancel my trip home in 2 weeks....I have a car to fix. Besides, the night couldn't have been that bad.....I am here drinking a beer and writing to noone in particular asthere is nobody to talk to. And the beer is being consumed so the night isn't a total waste.

Sitting there staring at Exit 40 for 3 hours gave me a lot of time to think, but unfortunately when you are in that situation, most thoughts aren't positive. Thoughts such as....."why the fuck did I buy a Saturn in the first place?!?!?!?"

And here's another one that isn't positive. I don't know why I wrote this, or who the hell is going to read this. As if everyone don't have their own problems.

I'll shut up now.

important things

I just got through watching Important Things with Demetri Martin.

Its a good show, but I admit my bias. Demetri Martin is a skinnyish, funny white guy with a big nose. This automatically puts him in my Hall of Fame. He joins Nomar Garciaparra in this select group of people that have had this honor bestowed upon them.

So congratulations to Demetri for scoring one for the good guys. Those of us in the thin and big nosed club are extremely proud of you.

rhode island

This sounds like a good time to talk about Rhode Island.

Everyone who is from there loves it. Some, like me, need to get away, but there is truly nowhere like it. It brings about a sense of pride that, in my opinion, is unmatched. I meet people from all over the place while living in the middle of nowhere, and nobody is ever like "WOO YEAHH MICHIGAN!!" and "god I can't WAIT to get back to Idaho!!" You might hear that about cities but even that is BS. Anyway, Rhode Islanders are very proud and, yep, most have a massive inferiority complex.

Because we are never ever mentioned anywhere, except for Family Guy, it doesn't take much to get us riled up. Any mention of the Ocean State on the news or anywhere else is enough to make everyone talk about that someone that mentioned us, and this becomes even more apparent the further away from RI you are. It doesn't even matter why RI was mentioned, but you can always count on everyone with RI roots yelling "hey Rhode Island!! I'm from there!"

In fact, it doesn't have to be a good reason. CNN can report something such as "last night a gang of rogue Nazis crashed a Jewish convention in East Greenwich, Rhode Island and opened fire, killing 5 and injuring 8 in the most horrific crime the world has ever seen." But instead of saying "OMG that's terrible!", everyone who grew up there will pipe up "OMG I'm from Rhode Island! I know East Greenwich - my cousin is from there! That's terrible!"

And God help us if they actually mention the name of the Rhode Island native who committed the dastardly act. "Holy shit you mean little Frankie Esposito raped and dismembered 9 girl scouts?!? I know that guy! My father's brother's neighbor grew up with his sister!! I can't believe he would do something like that!"

So anyway, these last few days we were able to bask in TV glory without the slaughter of the Jewish or dismemberment of children.

Instead, our college basketball teams won.
The Friars somehow beat the number one ranked team in the country, thus insuring my good mood for the rest of the night whenever I looked up at ESPN while at the bar and read "Providence upsets #1 Pitt". I was just as excited to see my favorite college team win a game like that as I was just seeing the word "Providence" on TV.

And I got a second helping tonight....even though I don't have a helpful pic like above. I was surprised to see the number one play on SportsCenter being a game winning layup for URI. The rest of the country is too busy wondering where on the planet this URI place is, but those of us with ties to there are smiling.

So that is 2 days in a row of Rhode Island on the national stage. See you for the next time I can talk about Rhode Island being on the news this much.....which will be in, oh, 28 years!